Life is Just Another Banana
by Cameron Barrett
The old woman threw a bunch of bananas in her cart and went on to the next aisle. Behind her, she heard someone wisecrack about finding dates in the produce department. She sighed and watched jealously as the perky young girl wiggled her ass at the supermarket stockboys. She wished guys would look at her like that, and then maybe she wouldn't have to fantasize about them at home with her dildo. Her thighs wobbled as she lobbed a half dozen boxes of Ho-Hos into her cart where they landed next to the ten or so bags of candy. She thundered on down the aisle and didn't see it until it was too late. The fat lady had no idea what was going on because her obesity slowed her reflexes so she did the next thing on the mental list of things to do in moments of crisis. She screamed.
From his point of view, he had a great scene. A man all dressed in black was sitting on top of aisle eight, perched in a crouch between the small jars of apple jelly and the boxes of Kleenex in aisle nine. He grinned as the fat lady screamed. He wouldn't have missed this for anything. He was going to have fun today.
Kurt and Jason were drooling over the hot, young thing in the produce section, making it well known to her that they were definitely available. Eyeballing Candy who was wearing these really tight shorts that showed off her well-developed ass and a tight little halter top that didn't leave much to the imagination. Jason's mouth dropped open and Kurt told him to stop staring and to close his mouth. Aisle eight, adjacent to the produce section, became enveloped in light, and Kurt fainted, falling to the ground in a heap. the last thing Kurt saw was a fat lady in a purple polka-dotted dress screaming.
Bob had bread in hand as he undressed her with his eyes. She wasn't wearing much. Even He could see that. He had seen her in here before, usually after his Sunday sermon, doing her shopping and flirting with the boys. He had talked to her a couple of times and secretly wished he could take her home and make her part of God. He knew that Candy slept around and that her school life was not going so well and had talked to her about it on many occasions. She caught his eye and smiled at him making his heart stop and his face blush. He quickly turned away, secretly praying that she would walk over to him. He spotted the man in black perched on top of the aisle and swore. Damn it! Why did he have to show up now. Candy walked over to Bob in the bread section, wiggling her ass a little and arching her back in a way that made her tight little nipples poke out through her halter top.
She giggled again, making Bob start to sweat.
Bob saw the fat lady glaring at him, bananas in hand, and Bob quickly glanced away. He looked back at the man in black on top of aisle eight and knew that today was going to be different. Candy stroked his arm and seductively plucked a grape from his basket and put it between her teeth. She growled playfully and Bob noticed the stockboys staring. He tried to move Candy on down the aisle, but she was starting to make a scene. Bob grabbed her ass and there was a bright flash of light. A fat lady screamed.
Rick the meat guy dropped his cleaver and started to run towards Bob and Candy when he saw what she was doing. He was furious. His blood was starting to boil, and his neck was turning red. Thick forearms and shoulders moved whole displays like toothpicks when they got in between him and his girl, Candy. Rick barreling down on Bob and Candy, Candy choking on a grape, two stockboys with hard-ons, a screaming fat lady, and a bright white light.
Everybody knew that Candy belonged to Rick the meat guy. Even the customers had heard the story about the time they were found going at it in the meat cooler. Candy on her back, legs in the air, and Rick just red in the face, pumping away. Everybody knew that Rick would pound them if they were found flirting with Candy. Jason and Kurt, the stockboys, imagined what it would be like, Candy underneath them, squirming her way into an orgasm. But they knew that it was an impossible situation, that they would ever be given the chance to bed her. Victor, the self-proclaimed assistant head cashier up front claimed that he had slept with Candy. He said that Candy was the best fuck in the market, always ready, anytime anywhere. But nobody ever believed Victor, because he was a weenie. Victor the Weenie. That's what everybody called him.
Candy almost choked on the grape when the fat lady screamed. All she saw was a bright flash of light and the fat lady falling into the jars of peanut butter and jelly. Bob grabbed Candy from behind and started to thrust upward into her abdomen with his fists. He couldn't help but to sprout an instant erection and fondle her breasts a little given the position he was in. Candy started to make heavy breathing sounds and felt Bob start to quickly undress her. Candy gasped and right there in aisle eight, amidst the chaos, they started to make love. The fat lady screamed again...
Kurt and Jason could not believe what they were seeing. Preacher Bob and Dandy Candy doin' it right there, in front of everybody. They half-wished it was a free-for-all. Rick plowed into a pizza rack halfway between the meat room and Candy. He fell to the floor with a thud and the last thing he saw was a bright flash of light and a fat lady laying on her back covered in peanut butter and jelly.
Candy undid her shorts so Bob could get better access. They dropped to the floor and she felt a wave of pleasure rocket through her body, half-paralyzing her with happiness. She heard a crash and saw a fat lady laying in a pile of broken glass and food. She turned quickly away when she felt Bob enter her from behind. The man in black clapped his hands and grinned wide.
Victor the Weenie came bolting around the corner and viewed the carnage. He could not believe what he saw. There was Kurt, who had fainted, and Jason, too stunned to do anything, his mouth hanging open, collecting dust. A fat lady lay at the end of aisle eight, covered in brown goo and purple jelly, pieces of glass stuck into her body in some sort of self-mutilation ritual, he assumed. Preacher Bob and Dandy Candy were caught up in a strange ecstasy of lovemaking over in the bread section. Rick the meat guy was sprawled on his back, covered in pizza sauce and round pizza shells encased in plastic. Above him, there was a hole in the ceiling, radiant white light shining through. Directly below the hole was a perfect circle of light, bright enough to cut a hole in the floor as well. Victor saw smoke forming near the circle of light and had to look away because the light was hurting his eyes.
Candy spasmed in ecstasy as Preacher Bob mounted her again and again. Victor's senses overloaded and he could not decide where to direct his attention. He dropped to his knees and clasped his hands over his head and ears. His eyes bulged and his head exploded. Brain matter sprayed over the jars of mayonnaise and some of it hit Jason in the face. What snapped him out of it was the greyish-red brain matter that went in his open mouth. He spat out the red stuff that used to Victor the Weenie's head and took cover behind a square pallet of watermelons. He could smell the watermelons start to overheat and knew that they would explode soon. The light from the ceiling started to rove around. Everything it touched exploded leaving behind a massive amount of debris. When it reached the fat lady, who was still screaming, her skin began to bubble. Jason couldn't watch. He saw a shoe fly over his head and land near the plants. His mouth dropped open again when he saw the spectacle near the bread section.
Bob did not see the light soon enough. All he saw was Candy's tight little ass and her cute perky tits. He thought the heat that he felt was from the heat of passion and not some bizarre phenomenon occurring behind them. He yanked her shorts down to her ankles and played with her nipples as she choked on the grape. Both of them were blinded with passion and did not see the scene unfolding in the produce section. It was really weird for both of them, almost as if what they were doing felt perfectly natural but not at all out of place. So they continued their mating ritual as the shaft of light creeped closer to them.
Bob was sweating. He thought it was because Candy was right there and he was doing the nasty with her. Then he realized that it was awfully hot and why did Candy's skin seem so bright. He tried to stop, but couldn't withdraw. He kept on going as if he had turned into a machine and had to have someone hit his on/off switch. He had to climax, had to. Candy grunted underneath him and they both spasmed together in a wonderful, earth-shaking orgasm. Bob and Candy exploded simultaneously, spewing flesh and skin matter all over the bread in aisle eight.
The supermarket was a mess. Jason had been found cowering under the shopping carts. Everything he said made no sense. He kept ranting and raving about some fat lady and a man all dressed in black. They figured he was delirious. Everybody else in the market was dead and the police had no explanation. They quarantined Jason and drilled him with questions, and after determining that he was crazy, sent him away to live in the loony bin at the edge of the county. The case went unsolved.
The man handed her a banana and worked his routine. She had always liked the color black. They left the market together, headed for his place, and settled right in on the couch in front of the TV. Candy sat on his sofa in her tight shorts and halter top and smiled as he walked towards her. She said, "Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you glad to see me?"
Yeah, I know the ending sucks....I'll re-write it again later...